Thursday, January 24, 2013


I was reading a couple of articles I had written early 2008, (one of which is the first ever pieces to be posted on this space) and was astounded by the irrelevant use of adjectives, the complete going overboard with the hyperbole and the lack of cohesiveness in writing. I was appalled by my own earlier writing. (Not that it’s any great now, but the quality has toned down considerably. In a 180 word  movie review I did of Revolutionary Road, I used 6 exclamation marks. 6!) On the same day I was talking to a colleague who wistfully remarked that life she was so happy in the past and now her life is a complete mess.

All of that really got me to wonder, were things really good in the past or does history always seem better because you don’t have to face it anymore? We've often heard of how simple things were in times gone by or how happy we once were, but was it really so? Isn't looking about the past and thinking how wonderful it was merely an exercise to divert attention from today and the odious everydayness it carries with it? Getting wistful about the past is alright but the sort of starry eyed-ness is nothing but escapism, an epiphany we have perfected over the years.

We look back at that which has happened only because it’s easier to deal with the past than the present, you can negotiate with it, believe that it happened your way and term it easy because you no longer have to face it or fight it. Past is important but present is sacrosanct. It is, because it allows you to shape your ideal of the future. While yesterday withholds you to ransom, today releases you with reason.

Today is a bright wonderful day. A day looming large with possibilities, enticing you with its exuberance and brimming over with the euphemisms. Allowing you to marauder alongside the margins, simmer in the silence of the known and covet the credulous innocence of the unknown.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Influx and Redux

On a day spent watching old Telugu movies, I am feeling alternately wistful and wasteful. Thinking about the relationships which are the way they are and are not, brooding about the people who are around and who aren’t, longing for things which have happened and have not, wishing for the future which may or may not happen.

I sit alone unreachable by those around me, I feel alone unmoved by those who can reach me and I dream alone unmindful of those who are a part of those dreams. My thoughts are in a flux- angry, agitated and annoyed: at everything which dares to become involved and anything which dares to be too distant.

Unable to want any of those who are around and wanting those who will never ever be around again, my distant daze is confused by its own terror and the terrifying tenacity of its thoughts. I am tired of waging the same battles over and over again with the expected variations resulting in the expected results.

I am desperate for calm but will shatter it once it comes closer. I want to run away far and wide but feel shackled by the air that surrounds me. I want to make true all that my heart wants by am engulfed by a wave of despair which sinks me each time I move. Desire and despair, Querulous quiet and lost loves, all battle silently together.

A single tear makes its way through silent sorrow, a solitary flame stutters in abject neglect and a sole wish is lost in the maze of confusion. Life, seems at once cheerless, at second glance it appears unrelenting, refusing to let me go, drowning me with its lifelessness, choking me with its dejection.

To the glorious grief lording over and refusing to let go,
To sinking deeper into darkness and not caring to try,
To how things were and how they promise not to be.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

This year

will hopefully leave me alone! When I was about to write in my diary on Jan 1, 2013, my curiosity got better of me and I read what I wrote on the first day of last year. I read that I wished I for a kind and compassionate year. That most certainly didnt happen, what I got was a year which was merciless and mostly cruel, draining me in every way possible- personally, professionally and financially. That shock of a year I guess, is the reason I dont wish for much. I have always found that keeping your expectations abysmally low helps, always. I only hope that it bloody leaves me alone.

This year didnt exactly begin on a great note but I made my peace with it already. If at the end of the year I remain just as I am right now, I will take my blessings and leave quite happily. Another bloody big disappointment last year was that 2012 was when world was supposed to end and was quite the high point of the year for me, sad that didnt quite materialize the way I hoped it would.

The only wishlist for 2013 would be...
- Leave me alone. Period.
- Finally making that trip I've been meaning to.
- Reading more non-fiction. Reading more of anything actually.
- Writing in something else than the one I currently do. Also, getting a raise where I currently work.
- Not losing any more money.
- Buying the bed I want to, not doing it because the one I like is ridiculously expensive.

Will not be overtly ambitious and wish for more. But then wishes sometimes grow wings and want to soar far above, what does one do then?