Thursday, October 30, 2014

Weather and wither

I’ve been withering to come back here or not, but an unexpected  message finally got through and I am here. Am I back for good – I know not, but am here for now. Been having the most amazing weather the last couple of days, lazy, lackluster and laid back, the perfect excuse for someone like me to dig deeper into themselves. Given a chance, it is so much easier to sink than sail, frown than laugh and give up than fight for it. Maybe it’s just me but that’s how it is.

The gloom outside gladdens me, it brings out my instincts for doom. Nurtured for decades, the tenacious capacity to expect the worst springs to life, its relief hidden in its release. The grief laden air, calls onto it, invigorating and exciting as it latches on to a life’s work accumulated. It feeds on the signals from outside, grows gleefully, rising high and high until it envelops all of me.

Once the job is done, the torpor which simply cannot be contained disappears instantly, making me wonder if it was a miasma or merely my muddled mind that concocted a hidden impulse for ruin. The thoroughness of its withdrawal matches the suddenness of its onset, its hold strengthening until I have none left. I lie quietly biding my time, thinking and thanking that the storm has weakened, wishing nothing more to left alone.

Alone, forever and free to despair. Alone, free to indulge and wither away. Alone, to wither away before the claims are permanent.

For Kk.