Thursday, October 30, 2014

Weather and wither

I’ve been withering to come back here or not, but an unexpected  message finally got through and I am here. Am I back for good – I know not, but am here for now. Been having the most amazing weather the last couple of days, lazy, lackluster and laid back, the perfect excuse for someone like me to dig deeper into themselves. Given a chance, it is so much easier to sink than sail, frown than laugh and give up than fight for it. Maybe it’s just me but that’s how it is.

The gloom outside gladdens me, it brings out my instincts for doom. Nurtured for decades, the tenacious capacity to expect the worst springs to life, its relief hidden in its release. The grief laden air, calls onto it, invigorating and exciting as it latches on to a life’s work accumulated. It feeds on the signals from outside, grows gleefully, rising high and high until it envelops all of me.

Once the job is done, the torpor which simply cannot be contained disappears instantly, making me wonder if it was a miasma or merely my muddled mind that concocted a hidden impulse for ruin. The thoroughness of its withdrawal matches the suddenness of its onset, its hold strengthening until I have none left. I lie quietly biding my time, thinking and thanking that the storm has weakened, wishing nothing more to left alone.

Alone, forever and free to despair. Alone, free to indulge and wither away. Alone, to wither away before the claims are permanent.

For Kk.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014


I see you always closed
Not an inch you give away.

What is that you say, I cannot hear.
When I say something you are never there.

Not a day passes when I don’t try.
Not a moment passes when I don’t think.

Never open, always locked.
Never giving in, always closed.

How can I get past you?
How do I get over you?

Together we perish,
You there, Me here.

Wondering and waiting.
Wandering and waiting.

For the door that never opens,
For the person that will never be mine.

I hear the sound of you, I seek the sight of you.
I long to come over, if only to be pushed away.

But never to wait again, never to long as much.
Frozen in time, you and me. Never to be together.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Word Power

This is a word which has been haunting me ever since I came to know of it. The power of it extends much beyond what it says, it goes out to show how much a single word can accomplish, its eerie capacity to haunt you and a breathtaking ability to hound you.

Is it in the exotic tenor of its sound, the way you have to twist to get it right? Or is it in the roundness of its pronunciation, or the newness it brings to my palate of words. Wait, it might be the far reaching meaning it conveys, or the ring of aloofness it has to it. No, it is melancholic strand in it which resonates with my own or the profound bearing it possesses.

The grief for the lost places can be only experienced and never be explained. The grief increases every single day and the weight it carries will eventually pull you down one day. That which you had, and lost is a symbol of the distance you have come to. Not necessarily good or bad but merely something to remind of what has been successfully lost, dismantled and never to be regained again.

How does one get back to a home that never was, never ever existed and never will. It takes a lifetime to get over this one and then you realize that it takes more than that, a lot more.