Influx and Redux

On a day spent watching old Telugu movies, I am feeling alternately wistful and wasteful. Thinking about the relationships which are the way they are and are not, brooding about the people who are around and who aren’t, longing for things which have happened and have not, wishing for the future which may or may not happen.

I sit alone unreachable by those around me, I feel alone unmoved by those who can reach me and I dream alone unmindful of those who are a part of those dreams. My thoughts are in a flux- angry, agitated and annoyed: at everything which dares to become involved and anything which dares to be too distant.

Unable to want any of those who are around and wanting those who will never ever be around again, my distant daze is confused by its own terror and the terrifying tenacity of its thoughts. I am tired of waging the same battles over and over again with the expected variations resulting in the expected results.

I am desperate for calm but will shatter it once it comes closer. I want to run away far and wide but feel shackled by the air that surrounds me. I want to make true all that my heart wants by am engulfed by a wave of despair which sinks me each time I move. Desire and despair, Querulous quiet and lost loves, all battle silently together.

A single tear makes its way through silent sorrow, a solitary flame stutters in abject neglect and a sole wish is lost in the maze of confusion. Life, seems at once cheerless, at second glance it appears unrelenting, refusing to let me go, drowning me with its lifelessness, choking me with its dejection.

To the glorious grief lording over and refusing to let go,

To sinking deeper into darkness and not caring to try,

To how things were and how they promise not to be.

This year

will hopefully leave me alone! When I was about to write in my diary on Jan 1, 2013, my curiosity got better of me and I read what I wrote on the first day of last year. I read that I wished I for a kind and compassionate year. That most certainly didnt happen, what I got was a year which was merciless and mostly cruel, draining me in every way possible- personally, professionally and financially. That shock of a year I guess, is the reason I dont wish for much. I have always found that keeping your expectations abysmally low helps, always. I only hope that it bloody leaves me alone.

This year didnt exactly begin on a great note but I made my peace with it already. If at the end of the year I remain just as I am right now, I will take my blessings and leave quite happily. Another bloody big disappointment last year was that 2012 was when world was supposed to end and was quite the high point of the year for me, sad that didnt quite materialize the way I hoped it would.

The only wishlist for 2013 would be...
- Leave me alone. Period.
- Finally making that trip I've been meaning to.
- Reading more non-fiction. Reading more of anything actually.
- Writing in something else than the one I currently do. Also, getting a raise where I currently work.
- Not losing any more money.
- Buying the bed I want to, not doing it because the one I like is ridiculously expensive.

Will not be overtly ambitious and wish for more. But then wishes sometimes grow wings and want to soar far above, what does one do then?

Who would've thought

that Aa would commit suicide. Was my first reaction when Sa told me that a school mate of mine recently passed away. I did not know Aa well at all, she was the coolest girl of my school. Good looking, fashionable and someone all of us had a crush on. I still remember everyone discussing a dress she wore on one of her birthdays (a white churidar with see through sleeves) which was a scandal back then (honestly, we were so repressed!) but Aa was someone who defined cool quotient and whom everyone wanted to be or be with.

My own interaction was restricted to a polite nod or a smile whenever our paths crossed in the corridors. But, over the years whenever conversation veered around school, Aa was a part of it because you wanted to know what she was upto, what she was doing and what was going on with her. That’s the trouble with benchmarks of childhood, you never out grow them, you never can.

So, when news came in that she committed suicide leaving behind a two year old son, I was thinking…what makes people so despondent that they think that the only way out is death? How could someone who had the proverbial everything be reduced to such a state? Looking back, I see a bright young girl who had the world at her feet and knew it. It’s astonishing how things come full circle. The whole incident reinforces my belief that what you see isn’t always the truth.

The tragedy brings to fore the simple truth that tomorrow is unseen and how life can come to a standstill in the turn of a second. There was a girl who, everyone thought was going to reach the stars, little did we know that she would become one of them.

My thoughts go out to her family and to Aa, who will forever remain the most talked about girl in the batch of 2000.

Turning ten equates going crazy

November is a busy month for me. The magazine I work with will turn ten in December and that for the editorial team means a crazy month. I had an absolutely hectic month, throw in Sa birthday, a cousin’s wedding and Ra’s engagement meant that it was only yesterday afternoon when we signed out I could breathe a sigh of relief. I did 26 bloody interviews this month and at one point, while working on three different stories I had no clue what and with whom I was talking. With all of us getting increasingly angry and worked up each passing day, it’s a wonder we closed the issue, even three days late! All said, it has been a productive month and I can happily lie low for a month or two before my editor again turns the heat on me.

Was reading Tavleen Singh’s amazing book “Durbar”, which has been receiving mixed reviews but I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was the first time I read non- fiction so quickly and the book offers a decisive as well as a different insight into the Indira- Rajiv years. Most people I discussed with said that it relied heavily on hearsay and gossip, and as a journalist I would say that they are more reliable than people at times. I also loved her interview with Abhinandan Sekhri on Newslaundry, a highly amusing episode in which the interviewer and interviewee cross swords and Tavleen was ruthless when the actor tried to be condescending.

Caught the lovely Bombay Jayshree in action after two years and was still as amazed at her grace and voice. Timeless performer.

Festivals

Its Diwali and as I'm writing this post people are going gaga bursting crackers. I've never really been a crackers person and the few I got this year cost a whopping 1700, but I'm both sad and happy that people are showing lesser inclination to burst crackers, be it due to increasing costs or declining interest, atleast in Hyderabad the festivities have been tapered down in the past few years. I'm sad because that's become the same with all festivals, no one has anytime to celebrate them and almost everything has become perfunctionary, Sankranti, Holi or Diwali.

Diwali when my grandfather was alive was fun, great fun and growing up as my siblings left the family nest I realized that festivals were fun only with more people. How many crackers could I burst alone or how many kites could I fly all by myself. Festivals like most things tell us about the importance of people and how sharing is okay once in a while. Unlike the innate consumerism of festivities, the fact that they offer a break from the routine makes them worthwhile.

This Diwali, for change I had two wishes and though I dare not hope too much, I do hope that they make the screening test of the powers that be. I have to hope for the best....time for me to enjoy some delicious food along with Hyderabadi spciality, phirni...

PS: While a friend of mine got 40 bloody thou as Diwali gift, I got a measly half kilo sweet box and when we opened it today they were totally dry and tasteless!

November Blues

-  It’s November again and it has started on a beautiful note today, with a heavy down pour due to the rains. Feels wonderful to be up and about.

      -   Watched , the terrible “Student of the Year” yesterday and felt that I deserved what I saw because I knew it would be disastrous and still went along…Karan Johar seemed to have directed it in between his many reality shows, no sense cinema and the three leads were such funny faces!

      - I am so hooked to the Rekha Bharadwaj song from Barfi, “ Phir le aaya dil”. There is something so magic about her voice that it manages to enchant you each time you listen to it. I wish it was used in the movie though…

      -  November is a busy busy month as far as work is concerned. There is so much to do but I really don’t know where do I start, worked really hard on two stories and did 1 interviews last month and that story was chopped…so am a little pissed off and am taking it a little easy right now.

     -  Everyone I know is getting married, big time. Friends, the last remaining single friends of my siblings and to top it all, juniors from colleges. It’s getting so annoying that I have been off facebook for a while, cant face another status which says…”Starting a new life” or “can’t wait to get married!”

     - While I am on it, everyone I know is either getting married or if they already are, getting their first flat, car or baby and me, am still where I saw 6 years back. It doesn't bother me that much but I swear I cannot handle one more conversation about growing up finally or finally finding their feet.

     -  Read the amazing book “Book Thief” by Markus Zusak which I have been recommending to everyone I know, it’s written in such a brilliant way that it really tugs at your very core.

Say Sush

A long standing wish came true some time back when I interviewed Sushmita Sen. She was as dazzling in person as I expected her to be and the thing about her is that when she turns on the charm it really hits you in the face, there is no way in hell  you can escape it! Surrounded by beauty queens half her age, Sush really managed to hold her own and that’s really quite something. For one, I didn’t write down any questions and was really tongue tied in her presence. Two, to her credit she never shied away from giving any answer however personal. My personal favorite was when I asked her if she felt that her Bollywood career never really took off, the lady replied, “ I only fight when there is a position and two times in my life when I had to fight for the top position I won, the Miss India final and the Miss Universe final.” Amen to that.

Watching “English Vinglish” was such a treat. I cannot remember the last time, when I wished that a movie was longer. Sridevi remains the undisputed actress she always was and I just hope that she chooses scripts which do her justice! On the same note, Aiyya had to be the worst movie of the year, I really don’t know why I would spend 150 bucks to watch such nonsense.

Hoping to meet Yuraj Singh in a few hours from now, the PR is notorious for being flippant, so let’s see if Yuraj actually turns up! Will be back with that...

 

PS: a later update, did meet Yuvraj Singh...didnt like him much, very standoffish...