Rumblings

When I was growing up I was roundly criticized for not exploring life enough...not many girl friends, not even the usual drinking/drugging retinue, not enough going out and certainly not experimentation. I was always clear as to where I stood and what I wanted. As a 15 year old in a disco, I knew that it was not a place I wanted to go back,ever. The definitive distinction of the parallels and the keen knowledge that they would never ever intersect was sacrosanct and simple. My distractions, my prejudices and my distorted beliefs were my cumulative effort to hold on to the only way of life I knew. Of late though, I've been questioning every action and inaction of mine, every decision I took and take and every choice is under a scanner. Am I growing up or growing older, or are questions merely knife edged extension of the doubts I am clouded under, shrill but omnipresent. I who like order and stability have developed a close knit relationship with chaos of every imaginable kind and the new strains of thoughts, new bouts of uncertainties do not unsettle me, I finally am welcoming them to my fold, not drawing invisible lines around me, not clutching at strings which were never present and not taming the confused cousins of these thoughts. Simple choices sometimes unlock doors which we never know existed and I hope that while this new tide washes over, the old guard only reigns in, not drain out completely.

Change has finally succeeded to seep through the doors, dressed as hope and certainly looks as delicious as desire but will it be as doomed?